Festivus - It's Not Over Until Someone Is Pinned
by Dungeon Inspector
Summary: Leorio is skipping Christmas this year in favor of holding a Festivus party. Now with 100% more aluminum poles! Yes, it's ok if you don't know what Festivus is. Chrismas Crack.


A story for my Hunter X Hunter 2016 Christmas Challenge on AO3. Anyone interested feel free to join!

Prompt: Forget Christmas, we're having a Festivus and it's time for the yearly airing of grievances.

* * *

"Why are there eyeballs in my fridge?"

Holding open the fridge door, Leorio glanced back and forth between the scarlet eyes in his fridge and his guests. He focused particularly on the man sitting on the end of his living room couch reading a book.

"They're better preserved in cold storage," Kurapika said, flipping to the next page.

"Did you really have to put body parts right next to the milk? That's a new gallon of milk, I just opened it yesterday."

"Your milk is fine. Both it and the eyes are in sealed containers so there shouldn't be any cross contamination."

"That's not the problem. It's weird."

From between Kurapika and Gon, Killua rolled his eyes. "What so weird about that? Illumi keeps a collection of heads in the fridge."

 _Thump_ – Kurapika snapped his book shut. "...I will remove them immediately."

Watching as Kurapika made his way into the kitchen, Leorio left out sigh of relief. "It's a Festivus Miracle."

The couch creaked as Killua jumped to his feet. Glaring at the pair in the kitchen he raised a fist. "Hey, if you two have something to say then say it!"

Gon patted the couch, inviting Killua to sit back down. "I'm sure they don't mean anything by it Killua." He waved a hand, like a school boy with a question. "Leorio, why don't you tell us about your Christmas party idea again?"

"This is not a Christmas party. The holiday has gotten too commercial, we're having a Festivus for the rest of us!" Crossing his apartment, Leorio pulled a sheet off a tall object in the corner to reveal an unadorned aluminum pole.

Killua scoffed. "You just don't want to spend money on presents, you cheapskate... And why do you have a stripper pole in your living room? That's why you're too broke to get us presents, isn't it?"

"It's a Festivus pole."

Approaching the pole, Kurapika walked around it to observe it from every angle."I believe this is the strangest belief system I've ever heard of and I was already confused as to why people bring dead trees into their homes to eat candy out of their socks in front of it."

"There is nothing strange about Festivus. It's a sacred tradition passed on to us through the wisdom of 'Seinfeld.'"

"Wasn't that a TV show, like, actually having to watch it on a TV?" Killua asked. He shook his head. "You're such an old fart."

"Damn it, I'm not old. If you want to be that way then let's get started. The first part of Festivus is the 'Airing of Grievances', which is your opportunity to tell everyone how they have disappointed you over the past year."

Gon opened his mouth, hesitated, and then asked, "Is this really a good idea?"

"Aren't you the one that said 'If you want to get to know someone, find out what makes them angry.'"

"Well, yeah, but... that doesn't mean you should rile people up on purpose."

Clearing his throat, Leorio pointed sharply at Kurapika, "You don't answer my calls, you won't give me your email, and you put eyeballs in my fridge." His stare hardened as he changed targets jabbing his finger towards Killua. "Your cheeky, you're a brat, and I know you ate all my candy the last time you came over. If you're going to eat it all at least have the decency to replace it." He turned to Gon. "You were fifteen minutes late to the party, but you brought the good cheese so I have nothing to say."

Eye's narrowed on Leorio, Kurapika crossed his arms. "If we're going by age, I suppose it's my turn then. Leorio-"

"No, if I let you do that it will never end."

"I resent that."

"I'm sure you do, just like everything else."

Gon raised his hand. "Are we going to get turns."

"No, it wouldn't be fair to Kurapika since he didn't get one."

"None of this is fair," said Killua. He glared at Leorio. "You just wanted an excuse to complain!"

"Well, now that we've heard from everyone we should get started with the last Festivus ritual. The 'Feats of Strength' as head of this party I get to test my strength against one participant of my choosing. Festivus is not considered over until I've been pinned. However, a participant may be allowed to decline to attempt to pin me only if they have something better to do instead. I choose... oh crap."

Electricity flowed on to Killua's fingers as he huddled near an electrical socket, Kurapika had his chains in hand, and Gon was bouncing in his seat chanting "Pick me!"

Pointing across the room, Leorio picked his target. "Kurapika, I choose you. I'm sure your busy tonight, right?"

"Actually, I cleared my schedule for this."

"...Well, fuck. Let's do this then."

A footstep - Kurapika prowled forward. "Are you sure about this?"

"Not at all," said Leorio jumping back away from Kurapika. Focusing on increasing his aura, he thickened his protective layer of Ten. Bouncing on the balls of his feet he ducked and weaved.

"What are you doing?"

"Self-defense."

"Self-defence? Why would you need to defend yourself against _me_? Surely you know by now that I would never hurt you?"

Dodging underneath an attack Leorio scowled back at him. "You say that, but you just brought Nen Chains into a wrestling match."

"The only rule you stated was I had to pin you. Clearly, you don't play to win."

Metal links clicked together as Kurapika whipped his chains toward Leorio. They wrapped around Leorio.

Wiggling within his bounds, Leorio fell over. "I play to win, you just play dirty." Squirming on the floor, he tried to escape. He grunted at the sudden weight as Kurapika crouched down to straddle him.

"Your attempts," Kurapika said, his right arm shooting out to prevent Leorio's attempted sideways sliding motion. "However, well executed," he continued, his left arm coming up to keep Leorio in place, "are futile." He leaned forward, his eyes exerting some sort of hypnotic influence over the other man, "I win."

Leorio stared into Kurapika's scarlet eyes the way a child might stare into the sun until warned off from doing so. Pulling his eyes away he blew his cheeks out with a huff. "Fine, you win. Festivus is over, now could you get off me?"

Backing off, Kurapika recalled his chains. Reaching down he offered Leorio his hand and helped him stand back up.

Killua clasped his hands behind the back of his head and sighed. "So that's it? We didn't even use the stripper-"

"Festivus-" said Leorio.

"Pole for anything! Lamest holiday ever."


End file.
